I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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