i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
