I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
