it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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