I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
