Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
