I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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