high people should be assigned attendants
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
