Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
