mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
