so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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