Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
