I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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