Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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