So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize