my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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