I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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