I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
