I think i sorta joined a cult last night
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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