Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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