Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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