everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
