You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
