I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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