I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize