Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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