An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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