Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
