omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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