you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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