I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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