I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
