Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
