Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
