Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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