i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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