My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
