glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
