I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
