A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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