Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
