meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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