fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
