I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
