he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
