Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
