you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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