It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
