That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Randomize
