if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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