Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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