were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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