You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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