I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
