did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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