ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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