I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
