Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Four minutes until I can fart!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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