I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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